Truants and parents

[xanthme]

Once again parents are to blame for children's behavior according to the article in today's chieftain. I am a good parent and one out of three of my children is a problem child, he ditches school and I'm to blame because I drop him off into district 60's capable hands and expect them to make sure he stays in the school I drop him at. No punishment I create is capable of stopping this behavior, I've tried them all. my son is bipolar, and in special ed. and I question how he is getting away during the middle of the day?do they not watch the doors? But, it's my fault I am not there at the school making sure my child does not run. Okay I'll grant there are parents out there that just don't give a rip, but let's not lump us in one pot some of us do care and do everything to prevent this behavior including blaming ourselves. Now I feel that I've no where to turn for help because it's obvious the law and district 60 blames me too. Thanks for letting me vent.
A VERY Frustrated parent, Xanthme

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Well if the case is as you state it . . you may be considered an exception to the rule . . .

However, no matter who you've put in charge of your son . . He is still YOUR responsibility . . He's YOUR child . . not mine, nor your neighbor's . . . and unless he's constrained, eventually one of the State's finer DOC units will probably be his home, for a while or forever, whichever comes first. If the child's behavior cannot be controlled now, it can only get worse, and it's not the job of the "Village" to apply the love and patience that requires . . no matter what Hillary says . . .

[Chuckie]

That response was a bit viscious. Not necessarily untrue but pretty biting.

The simple truth is that everyone learns that there are consequences for their actions. If they do not learn this lesson at a young age they will be taught as an adult. Unfortunately, the older they are when they learn the bigger the consequences tend to be when they learn it.

If a kid is truant from school he should be disciplined by the parants as well as the school. If he continues, then the parent should increase the stakes until a consequence is found that the kid will not think his behavior is worth. Even a dog can learn this lesson. Mom not rescuing him from his actions may be consequence enough, sometimes.

The big problem here is that often parents feel guilty or can be manipulated into feeling guilty for discipling their kids. I've seen kids who are pretty good at it. Time to put the emotions away for a while.

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The big problem here is that often parents feel guilty or can be manipulated into feeling guilty for discipling their kids. I've seen kids who are pretty good at it. Time to put the emotions away for a while.

Sorry about th' fisking, but . . . Referring to your comment on "Guilt tripping" . . Kids are professionals . . they learn from the first breath that "Hanging guilt' is the hot tip . . it get's 'em fed, diapers changed . . the crying is a lot more than noise, and as time goes by, they get more tools . . they learn to talk, throw tantrums, etc . . .

And if your child has either a "Social" or mental hang up, then it's up to the parent to find either a cure or modification for the unacceptable behavior . . . you ordered him, had him and now he's a problem . . your's . . not "our's" . . . better you and Judge Maes sort it out now than some unsympathetic District Court Judge settling it for many years to come in the future . . . and that Judge will tell you then, what I'm telling you now! He'll just throw in a "Too Late" at the end of the discussion . . .

I know that this sounds hard, unsympathetic, but the truth is staring you in the face . . and you have to act on that, not a book Hillary wrote! Nobody up here has the power to change the Truancy Laws . . I don't think . . .

[Chuckie]

I didn't mention the bipolar part. Maybe I should have. Here's a little advice for dealing with that.

Ask his doctor if he had an Axis II diagnosis of Conduct Disorder. You may already have it laying around in any diagnostic reports he has given you. By the tiny bit you have mentioned it's quite possible. Therein lies the real problem. It cannot be treated with meds as bipolar can. It needs heavy duty behavior midification.

If he does have this condition you then must ask his doctor how YOU need to deal with it. For starters you need to be consistant. Before you tell him anything make sure you are right. That way you won't have to second guess yourself later. Then, once you have "told him like it is" stand by it NO MATTER WHAT!!! It doesn't matter what he says, doesn't matter how mad he gets, if he cries, nuthin'. You've already figured out that you are right. It's hard and like I said earlier, you have to put away your emotions so he can't hurt you with them. Add to that any advice his doctor gives you and he might just turn out to be someone great.

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Thank you, chuckie . . your expert advice was needed greatly . . . or at least appreciated . . .

[xanthme]

I am not expecting the village to raise him! But district 60 schools should at least own up to allowing these kids access to escape routes shouoldn't they... maybe I should quit my job go on welfare and stand over him. the punishments I put to him are stood by!!!! in fact through all his years of therapy and meds etc. I've always made sure to punish and reward behaviors not only as recommended by his doctor but to the fullest extent of the law. he still ditches school, this is his worst behavior now so it is getting better with what help I get from spanish peaks professionals. The point is do not ASSUME until you've actually been there and do not JUDGE until you know the full story, I am not to blame for the easy access provided by district 60 to truancy. I do my job and I do it right I've two other children that prove that (both honor roll students) just one that wants to fit in and has found the wrong crowd and the loop holes in a local high school. district 60 is more concerned with how these children look then how they feel in their enviroment and these kids end up running from a hostile enviroment where they are not accepted in any way. But like I said he is getting better it is taking some time and A LOT of effort but every bit is worth it to have him grow up into a decent adult. So judge me all you want make up your little mind that I'm not doing all there is to do, you will be wrong in the end and district 60 will still suck canal water when it comes to these kids. (but then they don't care they never have)

[xanthme]

Ask his doctor if he had an Axis II diagnosis of Conduct Disorder. You may already have it laying around in any diagnostic reports he has given you. By the tiny bit you have mentioned it's quite possible. Therein lies the real problem. It cannot be treated with meds as bipolar can. It needs heavy duty behavior midification.


He does not have Axis II dianosis , he is being treated with meds, and therapy on a regular basis. span. peaks has been absolutely wonderful in helping us!

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is to teach the children once they get there . . I have a terrible bias about the system also but as far as attendance goes . . that's absolutely the parent's job . . the parent has to get them up in the morning and see to it that they arrive at the schoolhouse door, one way or another! . . . . And with "Open Campus" policies, the school cannot control the comings and goings of the students . . that's what "Open campus' is about . . . and trust me, when they rescind that policy, the howl will be heard clear to the Space Station!

As a parent, our responsibility is to know reasonably where and what our children are doing all the time, and if we don't then that's between us and our kids . . unless a Judge gets involved . . you don't want social services telling you how to raise your kids . . . and if you give District 60 the responsibility of strict control over your child for 6-7 hours per day, 180 days a year, are you going to argue with their decisions when you disagree with them? Probably . . and I'd bet vigorously . . . and the first thing you'll say is; "He's my child, I know better than you!" Been there, heard that!

You have stated that he's on medication, Spanish Peaks is helping, so as a parent you will have to make him understand that going to school is just like going to work when he gets out of school . . . 75% of the job is just being there! He also needs to understand that the payment for failing to show up is eventually a guy in a blue suit telling him when he can take a shower and brush his teeth, and he doesn't have to show up at work, because he sleeps there!

He also must understand that as a Bi-polar, life is a little tougher than if one is normal . . you must be on medication for long term, sometimes life, and if you choose to "back-slide" even for a couple of days, it can be disastrous . . . self disclipine is a must! Quite like an Alcoholic or drug abuser, a Bi-Polar personality must acknowlege the problem and be very self aware . . . . as well as recieve support from the people around him.

[Chuckie]

I tried to find the article you were referring to in the Chieftain so I could see what you were referring to. I'm sorry, I couldn't find it. Can you help me out?

I tend to agree with you that Dist 60 needs to take responsibility when they have your kids. However, if they don't then you have to take care of that youreself. And no, I'm not suggesting you quit your job and be there at the school sitting next to him. (ya, know? That might just embarrass him enough to straighten up) I am saying that if Dist 60 can't/won't bring consequences for him then you are going to have to come up with somthing yourself.

I completely understand that you are trying to do the best you can as a parent so my next statement isn't really meant as a slam towards you. In fact, none of what I have posted is intended that way. I'm aware that it may appear so. I've just been trying to help you find some tools to help your son.

Again, this isn't really directed at you.

I have a real peeve with people who would rather blame someone or something else rather than step up to the plate and take responsibility for their lives. "I have a learning disability. I can't do it", "I have depression/ bipolar /etc", "I'm missing a leg" , "I'm too poor", "I was born this color", "I'm too short"

GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm tired of hearing people talk about how they can't. Lance Armstrong beat cancer to be the best cyclist in history. Tom Dempsey still holds the record for longest field goal and he only had half a foot. Jackie Robinson was the first black to play in MLB dispite predujice and objects thrown at him from the stands. It's speculated George W Bush has a learning disability. He's still the president. Robin Williams is bipolar. (not hard to see that one, is it?)

Closer to home, I had a patient a couple years ago who suffered some of the most horiffic abuses over that I have ever seen. I won't repeat the, here. Both to protect the patient's privacy and to help you avoid crying. That kid still had a 4.0 GPA and was quite respected by peers and teachers. (If they only knew)

Those people are an inspiration to me. Including that young patient. If they can overcome their obsticles and not let them be a barrier to their destiny. What's my excuse?What excuse do any of us really have? Sometimes it just takes a kick in the pants to get us moving.

[xanthme]

well apparently my point is still not taken, I do everything I can and do not appreciate people assuming that all parents are worthless people who don't care if their kid ditches. As I stated my child is learning slowly but after numerous requests(during his staffing meetings ) to the school where he attends not to allow him the same access as other students he is still able to get out during the middle of the day way after I have walked him into the school and trustingly left him with his teacher. But after all that it does not matter how hard I work at making sure he behaves because it is only me that answers for it in society. God knows D-60 is perfect and cannot be held accountable in any way, ok I give sorry I vented because it caused a tense situation please Large have a good day and Chuckie thank you for trying to help. This is my final visit to this site so I leave these words: I am a good mom and my son is a good kid and District 60 sucks they will never suceed in producing good adults out of the "bad" kids as long as they don't pay attention, they are an influence on our children and should act as a good one period!

[Chuckie]

Actually, your point was taken. I don't think anyone can disagree with you that while your child, or mine, is at school the school has the responsibility to see to their well being. That includes their whereabouts. When kids are put into my custody at the facility where I work it is expected that we know where they are at all times and that they are safe. Dist 60 should be no different.

The point of the responses was this. Sometimes you have to take matters into your own hands. If dist 60 drops the ball you have to do what you have to do to take care of your son. Blaming someone else, even if they are responsible, does nothing to remedy the situation.

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Amen . . .

[Amberthebrat]

Okay Kids are the parents responsibility I will give you that, this mother has gotten her child to school and done what she was supose to. This child does receive disapline for the choice he has made, however after he is at school this child leaves without the parents knowledge or approval. What is the exact course of action she needs to take? Nobody for sure knows... It is trial and error until you find what will work the child......children are individuals and diffrent things work for diffrent kids. This parent is currently trying to find a solution.... don't be so judgemental just because she has not found the solution for her child yet it sounds like she is trying.

Yes some parents don't care, but this mother obviously does and is doing what she can. Maybe someone can give her a suggestion that may work for her child. She obviously cares other wise she wouldn't have been affected by that article and wrote anything about it. We would never be having this conversation if she didn't care.

If I was in this situation these are things I might try but I will organize it by age since diffrent age levels would be diffrent disapline.

Elementary age
1) Serious talks with both parents, if both are in the picture... a couple times a week
2) take Toys/TV/Video/Tapes/CD'S/Raid/Video Games ect. away
3) extra chores like taking out the trash
4) No friends until behavior changes
5) Make up school related work booklets for them to do every evening
6) Home Work to always be done first before anything else

Middle school age
1) All Elementary age rules added to these
2) No Phone unless it's grandma
3) You clean out and take every item other than hygene and clothes from there room
4) When they are done with all needed chores/ homework ect. they sit on there bed and do nothing
5) Make them spend quaility time with the family everyday
6) Don't leave them at home alone even if its a quick trip to a store tell them that this is part of the trust issue and if you can't trust them at school how can you trust them while you are away... This will make them think
7) Make them do yard work

High School age
1) All elementary School and Middle school rules added to these
2) No Boyfriend/Girldfriends
3) No school activities football,basketball,dances ect. These are for rewards
4) No Personal cell phones
5) No driving privilages/ YOU take there D.L.
6) Have them do volunteer work at a nursing home or something on that order

Over all just make them relize everything is a privilage and you have to earn these rights

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Probably the most profound thing said in this particular thread . .

Quote . .

It is trial and error until you find what will work the child......children are individuals and diffrent things work for diffrent kids.

UnQuote . .

***** I wish they'd put instructions in with 'em when they're delivered, 'cause if every one of 'em are gonna be different, we oughta know where the differences are! Yeppers . . Trial and error . . just hope th' error ain't really big . . and sometimes it is . . . Hang in there, love is a tough thing, and tough love is even tougher!

[Digger Dan]

Too bad most of our schools today are schools of opportunity by coincidence.
Schools of consequence know that opportunity only comes to those who know the consequences for their behavior and that opportunity can only be a coincidence where consequences for behavior are absent.

I suspect our schools today are schools of opportunity by coincidence because most social institutions today, including the family, avoid consequences like the plague--we have become a "if it feels good do it" society, encouraged at every level by a national philosophy that buy, buy, buy will allow us to avoid consequences. We have beomce a bye-bye consequence society always buying a facelift so we can pretend we are but kids again.

[DMad]

I can sympathize with the issue at hand, raising children to be independently responsible is the ultimate challenge of all parents. This requires different techniques and tactics for different children as all children and individuals and unique. What works for some won't necessarily work for others, a point well emphasized by the fact that this mothers two other children do not seem to have the responsibility difficulties of the third. I think an understandable reaction to the frustration of little/no success in developing that responsibility in this child is to look for a reason for the failure outside of the parent/child relationship. I am not in agreeance with this because doing so hinders the work that needs to be done to allow this child to develop the skills necessary to become more responsible. Too much effort goes into seeking and displaying ways that the school district has "failed" this family when it should be going into drilling down to the problem at hand. If a parent is constantly "punishing" a child for a negative action, and that negative action seems to be repeated by the child, then it isn't really a punishment. It sounds like this child may be dealing with self-identity and esteem issues that are preventing him from seeing him-or-herself as "a responsible, successful student".

Stay vigilant, be creative and try any solution to the quandry.